Dealing with siblings fighting is nothing out of the ordinary—it’s actually quite the opposite. Whether your children are toddlers or teens, it's common for siblings to battle it out quite a bit, with research suggesting up to 80% have engaged in at least mild sibling aggression (such as hitting).1
So, what’s a parent to do when their children clash? Here, we take a look at the importance of positive sibling relationships, reasons for rivalry and conflict, and the best ways to keep siblings from fighting all the time.
Here are five tips for encouraging positive sibling relationships and reducing fighting:
Demonstrate healthy conflict resolution
“When you have a disagreement or fight with your spouse or partner, model the type of conflict resolution you would be okay with your children emulating,” explains Jeff Garofano, PhD, a Child Psychologist at Johns Hopkins Children’s Center and Assistant Professor of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at The Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine.
He suggests making a point of demonstrating to your children that even when you fight, you still love your family member, and once you take the time and space you need or have a chance to talk things through, you're able to bounce back to normal. (The ability to bounce back is important!)
When there's a conflict, model how you own your part, take responsibility for your actions, and repair the harm done. For example, you can say, "I was feeling pretty mad. I wish that I had told you that calmly instead of yelling. I'm working on it and will try my best to express how I feel differently next time. I love you."
Pay more attention to good behavior
Rather than only focusing on fighting and “bad” behavior, Dr. Garofano recommends focusing more on the good—and making a point of letting them know you saw it.
For example: “I love that I can now drop both of you off at the basketball court and don’t need to worry about you guys fighting,” or “I'm glad to see you both were able to use the Xbox calmly today, you can have an extra 30 minutes of screen time, keep it up!”
Most importantly, be genuine when offering praise. “Praising the positive behaviors you want to see more of is a great way to increase the frequency of healthy sibling play and interactions that occur,” adds Dr. Garofano.
Set up a positive reinforcement system
Dr. Garofano offers a creative strategy that involves children earning “points” for positive behavior, such as cleaning their room, following directions, keeping hands and feet to themselves, turning off screens when asked, etc.
“Maybe [they get] bonus points when parents catch them playing nicely together,” he says. “Kids can then cash in points for privileges and rewards. A fun modification is to create rewards that take multiple children working together.” For example, if by the end of the week all the siblings have 100 points between them, they can exchange the points for a pizza and movie dinner on Friday night.
“Strategies like these breed cooperation,” says Dr. Garofano. “The more cooperation, the less room for fighting. This approach can be modified for use with school-aged children up to teenagers.”
Keep it calm and neutral
Even if you feel one sibling in particular is causing the conflict, try approaching the situation from a neutral standpoint. Start with “What’s going on?” instead of “What did your sister do now?” Perceived favoritism can lead to even more conflict, especially when both children crave attention.
Along these lines, Dr. Garofano recommends avoiding the need to keep everything “fair.” He explains, “If a parent of one of my patients asks me [if they should be fair], I would want to ask why fairness is important to them. What does fairness mean to them? Generally, my advice would be a balanced approach, leaning more into fairness in the earlier ages while differentiating as the children develop.”
